odd to finally see it...

so, it occurs to me that the media is, in fact, pretty liberal when it gets a backbone. however, as much of the world (as well as America) leans to the left of American center, it's seen as pretty reasonable and moderate.

unfortunately, there's still Faux News.

-B

the lesser classes

many American conservatives are afraid of curing HIV simply because they view the illness currently serves against gays and blacks having sex. they view such sexual behavior to be disgusting and immoral, and feign shock when leader after leader in their fold are caught in just such acts. they find fault with the gays and other lesser classes as convenient scapegoats, and are terrified of losing the one tool of oppression and suppression they have left.

they find cancer to be a more palatable cause, though they could hardly be considered strong supporters in finding a cure. so they raise cancer awareness, to prove they have some kind of compassion, and sneakily get away without really pushing for a cure... another illness that can be used as their weapon of fear to keep people in line.

there have been so many near-breakthroughs left completely unfunded, unsupported, that these cures should probably have been found by now. instead, the complete lack of compassion and equality from these self-concerned conservatives has doomed so many people to death... and they justify it to themselves that the dead are inferior, a lesser class, not in need of rights, not in need of life.

-B

looking in the locker room

fingers should never point in a straight line, as that would be misleading (along with socially inappropriate in many cultures). this only results in additional straight-line pointing, which means you are on a downward spiral once it occurs. as this is only ideal during sky diving, it is clearly a tactic that must never be employed without recognition of the vast realm of consequence.

-B

there's twists and turns all over this place!

would you want to know if you were dying prematurely? that's the question I've been pondering... it's the reality I'm now in, as I have changed perspectives recently. but even sitting on the other side, here, I can't tell which I would prefer.

one note: I have at least decided I don't want my mother to know. ever. not the final prognosis, anyway. to do so would pain her every remaining day of her life... and mine.

maybe it'd be a clearer answer if there was a clearer outlook than "it could be weeks, it could be years." the vagueness of the future seems relatively unchanged, though the length of it has definitely been promised as "less."there are so many people terminally ill in the world, yet so many of them continue to live their lives, whether enjoying their last days or squandering them, they continue to live.

I will continue to live.

but in the meantime, I have to figure out how to grapple with the new knowledge that I may completely lose my mind before I die, or I may be mostly clearheaded as my body shuts down. there are more tests to figure out how far along I am, to get a better idea of how long I have. but I do want to know? do I really want to know any of this? all I know now is that I have mutant DNA that will eventually kill me. hardly the superpower I was hoping for.

I've decided it will be slightly less frightening, now that I know what kind of progression to expect. but to know that it is fatal, to be told that I'm dying, that is not something I was really expecting to have to deal with. for all I know, I have six months to live. maybe I have ten years. this isn't all that much more certain than what I knew before... but with a few extra tests, I can find out.

so what do I do?

-B

like night and day

I think there is a decreasing number of "day" people... those who thrive in the light are less self-conscious, and are far more interested in seeing the world clearly, rather than in whether the world clearly sees them.

I am definitely a "night" person.

-B

eventually, perpetuality has to stop (vision pt. II)

I had to convince myself to come back. I did it by coming to deciding where to go and when.... I figured, I can go away later, I think I can remember the way... but if do go away, can I find my way back? do I hold on to home, cling to mother, and only explore while I've got a tether.... am I unable to let go? holding on to only what I know, rather than being willing to let go and fling myself in a single direction, truly unable to find my way back, or maybe just wait until later, make sure the entirety of me is with me when I finally start.

-B