doing it all wrong since 1999!

as they sit in judgment of their kin...

2009-04-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

sometimes I wonder if my "inner conflict" has just been me having difficulty acknowledging to myself that I am a bad person, that I almost judge myself as such but am resisting the verdict.

sometimes I wonder if I am beginning to grow into acceptance of being a bad person.

sometimes I wonder if am actually a bad person. these moments where there seems to be hope come in waves... and whenever I come to consider where things are at, I make the waves worse. more severe, more uneven... the extremes of possibility and despair, if I were to take the "emo" approach. wow, I can't tell when I'm being pretentious or arrogant or snobbish anymore.

sometimes I wonder if I just can't tell how to judge myself, or whether I even want to. whether I deserve to.

-B-

dream of armageddonation

2009-03-28T21:10:00.002-07:00

all around me are people who have caught on that things are very not right. we are outside, trying to figure out what is happening, as there is no power, no electricity, even small portable devices aren't working. but there is sound, a rumble and noise that is far too constant, far too unnatural. there is no panic, but most seem to have accepted that the end has arrived. there are some thugs nearby trying to get aggressive, but myself and some others confront them and bring a sort of calm back to the seemingly hopeless situation.

then, a murming begins to ripple through the people gathered outdoors, people that seem to have felt compelled to present themselves to the open afternoon sky. except, it doesn't seem like afternoon anymore, the ambient light is dropping quickly, and in minutes instead of hours it is dusk. perhaps an eclipse? but the sun isn't seen through the high-altitude clouds, only a pale, diffuse light surrounds us.

and then, people start noticing the large objects coming down from on high... it's an invasion of nearly-unimaginable proportions. air/spacecraft of various sizes and shapes are descending on the populous, and it doesn't take long to realize that their intent is sinister; small craft are leaving the larger ones, taking off in every direction like a net being dropped upon us all. oddly, there is a failure of panic, as people seem to be succumbing to something unseen that is telling them to just accept it, to give in to whatever this attack is.

I am among a small group of people unaffected by this psychic pacification , and someone is gathering us around, quietly shouting a quickly-cobbled plan to evade the attackers. we begin to run for more defensible ground while the invasion reaches our area, and troops of unfamiliar shapes disembark their transports to begin rounding up their human slaves. I find myself on a mechanical device, something like a skateboard or car, or both and neither, charging through barricades and deserted zones that have already been cleared by the invading forces. the efficiency of the operation only fuels my determination, and I charge on to be sure I maintain my freedom.

it is then that I am confronted by these soldiers from elsewhere, and I come to the realization that I am completely unarmed and unprepared. but I am not alone; resistance fighters have already begin to mobilize, and I am passed by a small group of heavily-armed people who engage the invaders. but is clearly a battle they will not win, and other resisters grab me and bring me away from the fighting.

for it is suddenly made clear to me that I seem to be one of only a few that is completely unaffected by the super/subsonic pulses that are being transmitted to zombify the bulk of humanity. I am in a small confined room, where everyone but myself is wearing something like headphone-helmets; protection from the sounds being used, they tell me. but I am free from the control naturally; the rumbling noise that sounds more like a steady wind is everywhere, and in that noise is something that has enslaved almost all of the human race in just a handful of hours.

I am not frightened by the news, instead I am more convinced that I have to join this fight, that if I am already uniquely positioned I must use it for something. it is not long before it is discovered that my immunity to the enslavement also makes me compatible with the invading forces' technology, things meant for dreams. from tools, weapons, and gear salvaged from defeated enemies, I am equipped with the ability to fly, to be invisible when perfectly still, to teleport in limited ways. more importantly, I am tasked with retrieving the resources being used to fuel the sound that has the human race trapped in zombie-like slavery.

from here the adventure begins. my first battle is at a small research facility up north, an underprotected place due to the enemy's certainty that humans cannot resist the intensity of their mind control here. as I break my way in, I see for the first time these non-human beings without their shock troop outfits... they are somewhat formless, but completely solid. something like bipedal creatures, but with a shape that shifts as light hits them in differet ways. they are unarmed and unprepared, but they are more vicious than any creature I have ever known. I am forced to defend myself as I am swarmed, and despite the slaughter they keep coming.

soon there are dozens of dark creatures that I cannot quite see laying on the floor of the lobby, and I proceed to my target: I am here to rescue some of the early resistance leaders, people that had learned much about how to fight off the attack, some of them scientists that had determined the details of what was happening. by the time of my arrival, their minds are jelly, and I am forced to use the teleportation that I hardly understand. it is painful, it is disorienting, and then it is done. I have returned to the mountain hideout of the human resistance with the five people thought to be able to form a serious counter-attack. but the teleportation has done something; one of them is coughing up blood, and in the minutes leading up to his death he explains that he was somehow tied to the device that was controlling humanity. the teleportation broke him from that connection, and he does not survive.

I am looked to as the only person who can survive the attack on the core of the alien colony on Earth, as there are reports of many resistant human factions that have fallen in their attempts to even enter the facility that the invaders have built. after some planning and discussion with the four surviving "minds" behind the resistance, I am sent on my way. I teleport to a hideout nearby the massive facility, referred to as the "hive," as this is where hundreds of thousands of human slaves have been brought. the facility has been established in a matter of weeks, and seems to be dozens of miles wide, with a peak at nearly a mile above the plains it has been built on. but it is not this central hive that I am approaching; the source of humanity's enslavement is inside one of the large ships that brought the invading forces, landed nearby but more heavily protected than anywhere else I have seen.

as I begin my stealth assault, I slowly discover that there is a leader to this invasion, a sole point of authority in charge of ensuring humanity's fall to the hands of these forces. in discovering this, I also find that this leader is possibly the most dangerous of them all. even more distressing is finding they have learned about my attack, and my immunity, and are on high alert for my attempts to disable their equipment. but my weeks of fighting has made me a more serious threat than they realize, as I am now deep inside the belly of the ship, so incredibly close to my target.

I enter a room that is like a large atrium, with open-air ramps criss-crossing the space in the middle, and netting set into the ceiling upon what appear to be a set of rocket-launchers; they have prepared a last-chance trap for me. but I am moving and stopping, employing the invisibility they they seem unable to penetrate even themselves, and I have nearly reached the source of the slavery... when something in the room, what appears to be a cross between a human and these formless creatures, begins to scream. I look to see it pointing directly at me, and the sound of troops rushing me is deafening. I make one last dash, eliminating several soldiers on my way, and enter the room.

I have found the things used to "tune" the slavery device. various pieces of equipment, all small enough for me to disconnect and place in my pouch. and then a human heart and brain; these from the scientist that died; they are said to be a hard-to-find sample that provides the perfect tuning to zero in on what can control the entire human race. they cannot base their device on just any set of these organs, as the subtle variances would prevent their equipment from working so throughly. and so these are unique, irreplaceable, the only items of their kind that enable the enslavement of the human race.

I stare in disbelief at the simplicity of the scenario, at the vulnerability to their plan, wondering how I could possibly be poised to end it so quickly and easily. and then, the leader of these forces, the most menacingly formless of the formless, enters the room. I hear and understand the creature, though there is not necessarily a speaking... I am being threatened but not killed, and so I take action. I cannot reach the organs, and so I teleport myself inside the tiny chamber that houses them. the creature is outraged, braking orders to bring him a teleporting device so that they can remove me. but their delay is too long, and I destroy each of the organs. I manage to make the closest thing to eye contact with the leader of the invading forces, just before teleporting myself out of the craft.

I am floating in the air a hundred yards from the craft, and the persistent rumbling sound is gone. in the distance, carried on the slight breeze, I hear angry shouting and screams.

I take off towards the hive city, slowly gliding over a mass of people that has formed on the outskirts of the enormous building. I can see a mixture of former resistance fighters, their headgear removed, and people that have come to after weeks of mental numbness. they are surging towards the city, but it is clear that this is not the end of the invasion. an open-roofed area at the edge of the hive reveals a surge of shock troops fighting back, and it is difficult to tell the tide of the battle, as thousands of people and invaders crush against each other in a massive wave of death.

I move further into the hive, mostly observing as the fight below seems to have no form to follow. it is not long before I find familiar places; the central city has been built into, around, and atop a former human city, changing the feel of everything to something more futuristic, something more alien, something wrong. everything here feels wrong, and I am finally drawn into the fighting below. I land in an open area behind some of the invading forces and I obliterate them, turning some of their more devasated weaponry upon them. it is then that I realize that these troops were not prepared for an uprising, and I am a warrior amongst farmers.

I proceed to hollow out the local neighborhood, removing every enemy troop within sight. it is not long before the presence of a safe zone in the city turns the tide of the battle, and the enemy forces turn tail and retreat. within hours the city is secured, and something loosely akin to a hiearchy begins to ref0rm as humanity awkwardly unifies its resistance, housed in the very city meant to keep them enslaved.

in the days that follow, the city springs to life as life there begins to resemble civilization again, complete with greed and theft and selfishness and murder. I retain everything I gained in the battle for freedom, and frequently leave the city to continue the fight against the invasion forces that are still trying to regroup, trying desperately to regain control of their prey.

the future is bleak, as the self-destructiveness of the human race is at an all time high, alongside an extra-terrestrial presence that shares the goal albeit for their own reasons. the balance has swung multiple times now, with humankind's once certain destruction averted, only to be replaced by the previous path towards total civil disintregation... and yet, the sum total of all efforts has gotten us nowhere. somehow, in this drastic shift of scenery, it seems that the end is now certain, and active, and we are all just drawing it out unnecessarily.

-B-

useful self-education

2009-01-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

I have just discovered how to make my belt "quick release." that is, with a single tug, it comes undone. I'm not sure if maybe how this was meant to be used, but I like this feature. oh, the instant gratification.

-B-

blurring together

2009-01-11T16:14:00.002-07:00

it has come to my attention that I have been noticing more and more similarities between myself and new people I have met. this is becoming unnerving.

I remember the days where I would see things I liked in other people, and try to guide my personal development in that direction. it seems that this effort has been at least partly successful: I tend to see things I like in other people, and then realize how much it reminds me of who I now am.

the concept of liking who I am, of recognizing likable traits, remains quite alien to me. it has always seemed more comfortable (partly due to the perception that it was more socially correct) to look down on myself and never give myself credit, to refrain from acknowledging - even silently - that there might be something redeemable about my character.

it hasn't helped that there is never a lack of social missteps to be perpetuated.

I guess what is bothering me is that I am finding that I like myself enough to have the self-respect to not deal with people that would seek to cause me harm, nor to tolerate those that would have a complete lack of respect for me as a person.

oh, and dating is far more complicated, I would prefer to not endure another moment of it.

-B-

Full Moon Rise

2009-01-07T23:33:00.002-07:00

all these odd trains of thought these days... I am becoming a weird old man. I wonder what this will be like in 5 years. I wonder at how premature everything is. I wonder if we're so close to the end that it might not even matter.

the rough draft mixdown of this latest aural journey is incredibly flawed... and yet, at the core, an amazing gem, it will be great. a beautiful way to start off the year. the year. 2009.

I'm going to be on edge for over another 400 days. I hope it's as wild a ride as all the hype.

-B-

the ultimate punishment!

2008-12-31T20:58:00.003-07:00

new year's eve, and a huge year end commission, and I decided to treat myself and my friends to a wonderful treat: a vaporizer. truly an amazing machine; I opted for a Fiji, a Chinese knockoff of the German-designed Volcano. a good clone of a great machine. testing it in the shop, it seemed to work nicely, so I grabbed it and brought it home.

the three of us are in the basement, excited at the prospect of a greater high than ever, a true state of stunted/altered bliss, and watch in awe as the balloon fills up with a soft white mist of THC, and perhaps the tiniest bit of smoke from the smoldering leaves.

I take the first hit: it is the smoothest, most delicious hit of marijuana I have ever had in my entire life. it is lightly sweet, a colorful flavor very much like the scent of the weed, but in a form that would taste delicious as a seasoning in, say, a cheesecake or a pudding.

I pass the bag, and we continue until it is empty. we are sitting contentedly, having just passed through an entire bowl's worth of weed... and then I realize that the round had probably only "counted" as "a hit." intrigued, I hooked the bag back up to the chamber back up to the base, and started it up again.

the bag filled with the same delicious mist.

we continued with this single bowl's worth of "high quality chronic" for a total of 8 rounds, reaching a peak so high and so smooth one of us said he could never go back. silently we agreed.

then the chamber was opened, and what came out looked like perfectly smokable schwag! complete with crystals! amazed and excited, we decided to load the bong up with the stuff... it filled exactly one bowl's worth. I debated passing the honor in my head, but was too high to finish thinking before I could take the first hit and...

oh.

dear heavenly existence, all things in the universes, holy terrifying mother father oh my....

the darkest, most vile, most evil smoke had filled my lungs and mouths and...

I couldn't shake it. it was death. it was disease. it was a million families' homes burning, with their New Year's Eve's guests, their children, their cars, their kitchens, their beds, all violently burning in the most horrific and devastating of fires, a nuclear fire, a biologically diseased fire, a molten mass of evil.

it was punishment. it was a wall, a line that must not be crossed. I had reached the ultimate high, and in my unawares had reached even further. I brought upon myself a cosmic smackdown, a balancing of the universe, as I was not yet ready to wield such power and wisdom... I have much further to go.

as I finally began to come to, coming out of my fight to shake off the dread, I looked up, and saw it... the card I had on the counter, reading in big letters: 29.

-B-

nothing is simple, but complication is overstated

2008-12-28T22:30:00.002-07:00

dating manifests as a far more complicated social apparatus than is reasonable. not that this is surprising, as there is a noticeable lack of reason and rationality in how many people approach relationships. something about the internal interaction between emotion and clear, logical thought... essentially, sanity is diminished by deeper emotions.

I have long been slightly amused, albeit unnerved, by some of the bad choices I've made when it's come to relationships. "Cloud" was probably the most notable example, and continues to be a source of some of my most amusing/mind-numbing anecdotes. but that was far from an isolated situation, and no matter how much more effort I put into preventing new mistakes, there's always something new to learn.

I find myself retracing my steps more and more these days, trying to better understand where I've been to better target where I am headed. in doing so, it has become more apparent that there are so many possible paths that the future is certainly set up to be pretty unique.

in other words, there are too many possibilities to adequately minimize the chance for missteps once steps are being taken. the reasonable thing to do, then, is to keep these thoughts in mind, and refuse to be treated poorly, avoid cruel and dishonest people, and look more for healthy connections than emotional perfection.

but again, reason and emotion don't mix.

-B-

self-calibration

2008-12-14T00:45:00.000-07:00

there are over 6 billion ways to live a good life right now, the count increases every day.

people concern themselves with whether they've done enough in life (or for some, too much). there's worry about regrets, and regrets about paths not taken. with so much emphasis on opportunities not taken, it's easy to lose sight of the positive impact of things that have happened.

you should do what you can, and enjoy what you do.

I've found myself increasingly accepting of the pitfalls I face, and in some cases, appreciative of the chance to learn something, about myself, or about large heavy objects falling on my toe. it's proven infectious and addictive to study my mistakes with a sense of curiosity and amusement rather than distress.

but then, maybe my illness has made a masochist out of me. regardless, I remain at least slightly optimistic that I will live to see a trend of ditching the sadness, anger, and despair that poisons so much of our species.

-B-

hey, california!

2008-10-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

it's been over three years since my escape from the federal and state government's conspiracy to deem me a Californian, despite my native heritage from not-California. despite my dramatic journey to return home, my years in captivity left me with enough fondness and interest in ~~Stockholm~~ California to stay apprised of various goings on back there. such is the danger of the internet.

after witnessing the surprising uprising against a respectable state governor just to paint him the scapegoat as an excuse to replace him with Conan the Last Action Kindergarten Terminator (subsequently known as The Governator), it was clear to many that we were in a period of amazingly low intellect, and it was hard to remain hopeful about a resurgence of thoughtfulness in the populace.

in less than a couple of weeks, voting will be over, and there is an issue that I don't think is being handled with much thoughtfulness. Proposition 8, a ballot measure that purports to be an effort to protect marriage, aims to annul over 10,000 marriages based entirely on gender. while there is a wide array of angles being used to obscure the legal specifics involved, this is really what it comes down to. people may have their reasons for being sexist or otherwise prejudiced, but that doesn't mean they have truly reasoned these thoughts out.

I admit, I would not be at all surprised to see the same thoughtless populace that elected The Governator get caught up in the twisted, if-I-don't-like-it-then-it-must-be-wrong arguments to destroy over 10,000 marriages, but it would be disappointing to see that thoughtfulness continues to remain elusive in the state of California.

if Proposition 8 does not pass, then nothing will change from what it currently is. however, if it passes, over 10,000 marriages - that's over 10,000 families, many with children - will be annulled. to claim this effort as a protection of marriage is a sham. to think that passing this law helps anyone is a shame.

as difficult as it may be, I am still holding on to that sliver of hope that Californians are at least somewhat redeemable.

-B-

odd to finally see it...

2008-09-30T19:49:00.002-07:00

so, it occurs to me that the media is, in fact, pretty liberal when it gets a backbone. however, as much of the world (as well as America) leans to the left of American center, it's seen as pretty reasonable and moderate.

unfortunately, there's still Faux News.

-B

the lesser classes

2008-09-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

many American conservatives are afraid of curing HIV simply because they view the illness currently serves against gays and blacks having sex. they view such sexual behavior to be disgusting and immoral, and feign shock when leader after leader in their fold are caught in just such acts. they find fault with the gays and other lesser classes as convenient scapegoats, and are terrified of losing the one tool of oppression and suppression they have left.

they find cancer to be a more palatable cause, though they could hardly be considered strong supporters in finding a cure. so they raise cancer awareness, to prove they have some kind of compassion, and sneakily get away without really pushing for a cure... another illness that can be used as their weapon of fear to keep people in line.

there have been so many near-breakthroughs left completely unfunded, unsupported, that these cures should probably have been found by now. instead, the complete lack of compassion and equality from these self-concerned conservatives has doomed so many people to death... and they justify it to themselves that the dead are inferior, a lesser class, not in need of rights, not in need of life.

-B

looking in the locker room

2008-09-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

fingers should never point in a straight line, as that would be misleading (along with socially inappropriate in many cultures). this only results in additional straight-line pointing, which means you are on a downward spiral once it occurs. as this is only ideal during sky diving, it is clearly a tactic that must never be employed without recognition of the vast realm of consequence.

-B

there's twists and turns all over this place!

2008-09-13T11:24:00.009-07:00

would you want to know if you were dying prematurely? that's the question I've been pondering... it's the reality I'm now in, as I have changed perspectives recently. but even sitting on the other side, here, I can't tell which I would prefer.

one note: I have at least decided I don't want my mother to know. ever. not the final prognosis, anyway. to do so would pain her every remaining day of her life... and mine.

maybe it'd be a clearer answer if there was a clearer outlook than "it could be weeks, it could be years." the vagueness of the future seems relatively unchanged, though the length of it has definitely been promised as "less."there are so many people terminally ill in the world, yet so many of them continue to live their lives, whether enjoying their last days or squandering them, they continue to live.

I will continue to live.

but in the meantime, I have to figure out how to grapple with the new knowledge that I may completely lose my mind before I die, or I may be mostly clearheaded as my body shuts down. there are more tests to figure out how far along I am, to get a better idea of how long I have. but I do want to know? do I really want to know any of this? all I know now is that I have mutant DNA that will eventually kill me. hardly the superpower I was hoping for.

I've decided it will be slightly less frightening, now that I know what kind of progression to expect. but to know that it is fatal, to be told that I'm dying, that is not something I was really expecting to have to deal with. for all I know, I have six months to live. maybe I have ten years. this isn't all that much more certain than what I knew before... but with a few extra tests, I can find out.

so what do I do?

-B

like night and day

2008-09-13T00:14:00.003-07:00

I think there is a decreasing number of "day" people... those who thrive in the light are less self-conscious, and are far more interested in seeing the world clearly, rather than in whether the world clearly sees them.

I am definitely a "night" person.

-B

eventually, perpetuality has to stop (vision pt. II)

2008-09-01T01:37:00.001-07:00

I had to convince myself to come back. I did it by coming to deciding where to go and when.... I figured, I can go away later, I think I can remember the way... but if do go away, can I find my way back? do I hold on to home, cling to mother, and only explore while I've got a tether.... am I unable to let go? holding on to only what I know, rather than being willing to let go and fling myself in a single direction, truly unable to find my way back, or maybe just wait until later, make sure the entirety of me is with me when I finally start.

-B

patterns and form (vision pt. I)

2008-08-31T01:06:00.005-07:00

everything we do is just patterns within patterns within... much as if fractals reveal the entire meaning of life, everything being looped within and without, cycles and connections, but not just how drunk it feels, but in all things form are an attempt, a desire to bring form out of nothing, or rather, the abstract, that which is no longer once it is grasped, that which always just exceeds your ability to grasp, and that is what makes it, attempting to write it out as if nobody ever tried is pointless... not just because its been done time and again, but because grasping what you were reaching for makes it no longer what you were grasping for, so bringing it into form defies... and again with paths already walked, and analogies already used... and everything is entirely pattern. not as if it were pointless to try, but it IS pointless to try to bring form.

just be.

not even that.

-B

everyone's a hippo, some of us should quit

2008-08-16T10:21:00.003-07:00

we should be impressed with ourselves: there is now so much on the internet, that no single person can see everything currently available. at the rate that I'm sure it's expanding (except for those slow-moving neighborhoods in the Upper East Side), we're probably not far from exploding the internet from overuse.

we should be worried about this possibility. thus, I propose finding a fine, upstanding young politician from Bermuda (so they will be taken seriously) to address the world about the dire situation we are in. the internet, a clumsy invention from the 1930's (remember steam engines?) is in urgent need of repair and reinforcement, as nobody ever imagined this road would be so heavily traveled. time to repave!* the potholes, so to speak, have gotten so deep that I'm surprised any of us have tires left.

this only means we are running out of rubber and shiny-spinny hubcaps out of all the mitigation we're doing just to endure the internet in its current condition. an entire black market has probably popped up just to answer this growing demand that our governments and grandmothers aren't meeting. anti-virus software is the new party drug! the situation truly is worsening; next thing you know, we'll need thigh-high boots from the Disco era just to wade through all the fizzling internets.

and at that point, maybe I won't be so concerned about my inability to read all of the internet. without character development (and we know that virus-ridden internets can't be redeveloped), what's the point of reading?

*then maybe I won't keep running into doggie salons that keep trying to wash my nonexistent dog. my screen is waterlogged.

bloodsport initiation

2008-08-16T01:03:00.004-07:00

I hate to break the news to you, but it turns out that death and generalizations have struck faster and harder than expected, resulting in an intellectual leak that may not soon see the services of an adequate plumber. while this is likely to result in the end of the moon's orbit and a few other trivial "negative" outcomes, this also means that an outpouring of some undetermined kind may be underway.

specifically, you should probably be worried about what the cosmic viewpoints of the upcoming US elections are... considering that the US Air Force has had an operating policy for over two decades to destroy all incoming cosmic views, due to licensing and leasing arrangements that never materialized.

additionally, you may not be interested in how the downfall of the human race long since hit rock bottom, and we can only look upwards (and blindly at that) from here out. an understandable mentality, once you realize that the nose-stuck-in-the-mud syndrome is clearly the next natural progression in the evolution of the species.

the good news is that there is stuff to be said, stuff to be done, and stuff to be blown out of proportion in the most dramatic and lethargic of ways. it is my sincerest hope that all of the above are successfully achieved, as we've got a long way to go.

watch out for the butterscotch trolls, they are on the rampage.